Why is it so hard to ‘Let Go’?

Reflecting on the weekend I spent with my daughter Danielle in Colorado and how much I admire her for the bravery she’s shown. She made the decision to move there this year to start a new life and job with Southwest Airlines.

I wish I could say that I supported that decision the whole time in was in the process, but I didn’t. I didn’t want her to move so far away to an unknown place from me with unknown people in her life. I was in denial, I didn’t care to know much about it and frankly avoided most conversations.

The year 2014 has brought on so much change for my family, for me. Every single one of us has moved, all 5 of Jim and I’s children AND Jim and I! What are the chances of that?  New jobs, new locations, graduation, kids in college, new friends, conflict and so much more.

Change has been the theme for my family this year.
Change brings anxiety in me, some of it didn’t bother me much, but some really overwhelmed me.

What I’ve learned AGAIN is I want control. If I feel like I’m losing control I feel angry and start thinking of how to stop the thing I don’t like.  Manipulation? Such an ugly word.   It’s confusing because I just want to protect them, I realize it’s fear and what people think that drive me.

Recently the Lord spoke to me about this, with tears down my face I recited the words during Worship “Let all the other names fade away, Jesus take your place” [Wide As The Sky – Matt Redman] I felt like I had a teleprompter going across my mind with my girls names over and over.

How many times do I give them to you Lord only to take them back again and again? I proclaim how very much I trust you in my life, I proclaim how you’ve provided for us, you’ve been my companion, my friend, my Lord, my Provider… BUT here I am in this place again. I could almost hear the Lord saying to me “Do you REALLY trust me Debbie?”

Ugh.. obviously no, as I try to control and manipulate to keep my children near me I realize all I do is get in God’s way and the plan He surely has for each of them. ‘Letting go’ is what they call it, I might as well call it Control.  This season of life has completely changed my prayer life; my fears screaming in my ear, my God calming the storm inside… “What time I am afraid, I will trust”

In the past there are many area’s in my life I tried to control as I professed Christ. Only to surly demonstrate that I didn’t really live what I believed. Hypocrite comes to mind, on so many levels. It grieves me knowing that my actions brought contempt to so many that knew me then and watch me now.  I’m so utterly sorry.

The Lord has taught me so much over the years, His Grace and Mercy overwhelm me as I think on the past and let go of control in the present. I pray that going forward my words and actions always reflect that I truly live what I believe in all areas, including letting go of control and trusting God with my girls.

I continue to pray that any damage I caused to The Name of My Savior, Friend, Prince of Peace and Lord, Jesus Christ be blotted out, redeemed and healed for His Glory.

What names run across your mental teleprompter?

Why you get so frustrated…

I journal a lot, it is how my relationship with Christ has grown.  Writing for me is therapy, finding Christ in the midst of my emotions, my quiet time.

(side note, this is not the follow-up blog to “Failing in Love”)

My  journal entry yesterday started off with “Lord, I’ve really blown it” I was so frustrated with myself.  I felt I was in the middle of something that I had to get off my chest,  I just let it all fly out of my mouth.

can’t.take.it.back

Just the DAY before, I heard Pastor Brenda’s amazing message at Cafe’ Chat about how a soft answer turns away wrath. 

Oh yes…true.story.  Epic fail.

I could feel this terrible bubbling up frustration inside of me, this anger just overcoming my thoughts.

It is SO easy for me to blame, to say this or that person is the cause of the anger and/or frustration inside of me.  Maybe it is for you too. 

And maybe like me, you don’t recognize it at first?

“If so and so would do this or that, if I had a better job, if I got the raise I deserve, if he would just ____________, if she wouldn’t have _____________, if my _______________ ” If, If IF, IF!!!

Fill in your blank. 

We all have them, something out there that if it would just line up everything would finally just be OK already!  Sheesh!

I knew I needed to spend time with Jesus, I needed to hear His voice to help me understand what in the world this was.

As I journaled I asked Him to please show me where I was off, what was going on inside of me that was causing all the anger.

I desired the truth, the root of the bitterness – in me. Not in the situation, but in me. 

On my journal page I wrote “EXPECTATION is coming to my mind right now” 

I also wrote about how the night before as I was thinking of when Jim and I were getting so serious in our dating relationship, I was so scared. Isaiah 41:10 is the word the Lord used to help me over that fear.  If you look this up I urge you to also look up the definition of dismayed,, it changed everything for me!

I turn to my devotional after pouring my heart out to the Lord.. Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.  I can’t even describe to you how Jesus has used this little book to speak to my heart.

It starts off “HOLD MY HAND – AND TRUST”  As I finished reading it I went to the scripture references, want to guess the first one?

Isaiah 41:10…AGAIN!

I about fell off my chair, tears streaming down my face as Jesus quietly spoke to my heart …..

“I am here, don’t be afraid”

I then look up the other scripture reference with anticipation setting in…

undone is the only word that I can think of to describe my heart as I read..

Psalm 62:5 & 6.

Right from my journal

If you can’t read my oh so neat writing,  it says..

My soul waits silently for God alone, for my EXPECTATION is from Him.  He ONLY is my rock and my Salvation, HE IS my defense, I SHALL NOT BE MOVED.

Expectation? Seriously?

tears, stunned, awed, overwhelmed with wonder and gratitude.

He is such a loving personal God, He knows your detail and wants to talk to you!  I knew immediately where the frustration and anger were coming from.

He showed me, I felt it, I heard Him, I know.

I let an attitude of expectation in people drive my emotions….Instead of Jesus.

After I got myself together, praising and thanking Him for such a quick answer, I went on an expedition of the word expectation.

There are many in the dictionary, my favorite is:  An expectant mental attitude;  a high pitch of expectation.  I had a mental attitude all right.

I looked up every scripture I could find with it, here are a few:  Romans 8:19, Proverbs 23:18, Phil 1:20

As you look at these you will see there isn’t any mention of putting hope in the expectations of people or situations, only in Christ.

So what does this mean?  Does my expectation in Christ mean that I expect Him to answer all my prayers and make people just do what I expect?

Oh goodness, that just sounds terrible.  Really, I’m not that bad… am I?   Ugh.

This has been a hard week, seeing yourself in light of Scripture isn’t easy.  Following Christ isn’t for the faint at heart.

____________, (insert your name)
Do not be afraid, loose courage or dread what is coming, be silent in Me and Me alone, your Expectation and Hope. (Isaiah 41:10 & Psalm 62:5)

What do you put your expectation in?  Your marriage, children, job or future?

When I had finished this precious time with Jesus, my heart was in a new place, a deep understanding.   I’m learning that if I put my expectations in  anything but Christ, I will be frustrated, disappointed, hurt, angry and bitter.

I’m choosing to trust that He knows all of what is to come and He will give me the truth and grace to face tomorrow without putting my hope and expectation in or on people.

How about you?

“analyze IT, control IT, make IT happen, DO something!”

 

This is my nature, my ‘m-o’ when there is this futuristic abyss. There isn’t any concrete answer  for what’s  going to happen, basically I have no control.   I don’t know what your ‘IT’ is,   mine is what I’m going to do for income, mourning the loss of a dear friend & not being able to control my adult children, imagine that!    I find my fears and what-if’s overcome me when I allow my mind to wander into the abyss.

As I wrestle with all of this and not being able to see or figure ‘IT’ out, I pray that the Lord will help me to stay in that peace that surpasses all understanding.   Journaling brings that peace, this is what He reminded me of today.

In my study of John 11 we just discussed the death of Lazarus and how his sisters,  Mary and Martha responded.   The story talks about them sending a message to Jesus that their brother was sick and to come.

Jesus waits 2 days and when he does arrive Lazarus has been dead for 4 days.  They both say to Jesus “If you would have come sooner, he wouldn’t of died”

Jesus  tells them more than once that if they would believe they would see the Glory of God and their brother would rise again.  His words to Martha were  “Did I not say to you that if you would believe you would see the Glory of God?”

I can just hear Him saying “Debbie, did I not say to you…  do not fear, be still and do not worry? ”  Over and over and over He has shown this to me in my life; steadfast love, provision physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually.

I still find myself over analyzing, trying to figure ‘IT’ all out, wanting to DO SOMETHING to fix, manipulate or control ‘IT’.

I find great peace knowing that Mary and Martha who walked and talked with Jesus did the same kind of thing.  Jesus’ timing is not Mary’s, Martha’s or mine.  I want to say, Lord if you would  just do this or that I wouldn’t be in this situation…

Standing in front of Lazarus’ tomb…

Jesus prays “Father I thank You that You always hear Me, but because of the people (Debbie) who are standing by I said this, that they may believe that You sent Me”.  In a loud voice He cried “Lazarus, come out!”  And he came out, grave-clothes and all!  What a sight, what encouragement!  Can you imagine Mary and Martha?   Jesus’ timing is perfect…always.

Part of today’s  devotional by Sarah Young, Jesus Calling.

“…The problem (IT) can be a ladder enabling you to climb up and see your life from My perspective.  Viewed from above the obstacle that frustrated you is only a light and momentary trouble.  Once your perspective has been heightened you can look away from the problem altogether.” 2 Cor 4:16-18

I’m thanking God today that He has changed my perspective, encouraged me that I am no different than Mary and Martha who walked with Jesus.  I pray that you too are encouraged with whatever your ‘IT’ is.

He is telling you as well; do not fear, do not be confused or worry for I am with you always.

I want to see the Glory of God in all my situations, my hearts cry is to believe!   Thank you Jesus!!

What is your ‘IT’  that you need to let go of,  or get a different perspective on?  How can I pray for you?

 

Silence & The Back-Up Plan…

I’ve thought that I really need to blog again, it’s been so long.   Blogging for me is so new, I enjoy journaling but throwing my thoughts out here in cyber world sure is different.

Maybe I haven’t because I’ve secretly been thinking that I’ll be able to make the next post “It’s final, the paperwork came!” for this new job I was hired for verbally last month.   That hasn’t happened, there is just total silence in this regard.

To say I’ve walked through this situation with complete peace would be a lie.   I have heard The Lord tell me  “Be still and know that I am God” Psalm 46:10,  but hearing  and doing are two different things.

I know He knows I have issues with being still, maybe that is why He is constantly reminding me!    : )

Since my last blog I would have to say He has brought this scripture to me at least twice a week, sometimes twice a day!  The last I knew it should have been mid April when all the paperwork would come through.

When that date came and went I started working on my back-up plan.   It  actually was becoming THE plan, my plan.  But,  He brings  it again,   “Be Still…”

I wonder, how many times I’ve turned to the back-up plan before God could finish the plan He had for me?  I wonder how many times have I gotten in His way when He was working but I was too impatient to wait.

If it wasn’t looking good, the way I thought it should go – I would just fix it, solve it, buy it, manipulate it, give up, walk away,  stress about it or just make SOMETHING happen!

The day this all came to a screeching halt for me was April 24th.   I was in the midst of finishing up details for  our women’s retreat we just experienced this past weekend.

I couldn’t stop thinking about this situation and the ‘what-if’s’, I couldn’t focus on any one thing before my mind would go back to this situation.   I stopped everything I was doing, grabbed my journal and started writing.

After several attempts to pray through my writing I just started to cry and tell the Lord I was just so sorry for how my  mind was racing.  I couldn’t make it stop, it was driving me insane.    After getting this all out I then turned to the devotional I absolutely love – Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.

This is the nutshell of the conversation I had with my precious Lord and friend.     

Me: “Lord, I know my mind is racing, I can’t make it stop!”
Devotional: “Bring me your mind for rest in renewal….as your mind stops racing…”
Me: STUNNED with gator sized tears, Wow, seriously?! I even flipped to the wrong day in the devotional book!
Devotional: “Be still and Know that I am God” (on right day, 4/24)
Psalm 46:10 Psalm 89:15

I spent much time in the Word where He confirmed over and over what He told me here.  Goodness I am overwhelmed with Joy and Peace, no more analyzing the back-up plan.

He see’s right where we are  and has the perfect plan already carved out for us.    We just have to let Him work, choose Him over the feelings and emotions we experience in these kind of situations.  They lie to us, He is Truth.

Whatever the plan is, A, B, C or F; I am still and  know He is God.