Have you ever regretted something that didn’t seem that big of a deal at the time?
Monday morning, I became overwhelmed with sadness over something I did the night before.
Scrolling through facebook can be so entertaining – pictures and videos everywhere. Just one click away from laughter or tears, or both. There are things that make you smile ear to ear, cause you to seriously laugh out loud, and then, other posts make you so sad or mad. There are those that make you scratch your head in wonder, and some of my favorites, the things I die laughing over and would love to repost – but can’t. I just can’t, but oh man, they.are.so.funny!
Sunday night it was a video, a video of a young woman who was clearly intoxicated by something. She was dancing away, completely uninhibited with her stomach hanging out, flopping all over the place. The people videotaping were egging her on, laughing and making fun of her.
As I watched it I snickered myself, thinking what in the world is wrong with her? I made my comments out loud, laughed a little and thought the world is a scary place for sure.
I didn’t think anything more about it, came home, did my usual night time routine and went to bed.
Our church encourages us to do a church wide 21 day fast, starting the beginning of January. A great way to start off the new year, giving God the first of our year. Jim and I decided to do the Daniel fast together, eating mostly fruits and vegetables, no caffeine, meat, sugar, dairy or flour.
During this time, when I was hungry, I would pray. When I craved certain things, I told Jesus I wanted Him more than the craving – more than the salt water taffy sitting on the frig in the office, that I tried to cover up with a napkin so I didn’t have to look at it!
Sunday was the end for many, Monday was our last day. We started a day later than most due to a family holiday dinner we had planned months in advance.
During this fast, my prayer has been to draw close to Jesus, not anything He would do for me in regards to things I think I need or want, but that I would surrender myself to what He would want to teach me. Not my agenda, simply His way with me. Another prayer has been that my heart would break over what breaks His.
Also, I’ve been listening to messages, this one was particularly awesome, Dangerous Prayers by Craig Groeshel.
Reading more, a great devotional that specifically spoke to me this morning, Let Us Keep to the Point, by Utmost for His Highest.
Definitely praying and journaling more.
Today, my last day of the fast, was profound. I had to write about this right away, I just don’t want to forget it, ever.
As I was getting ready for work I kept thinking of the video of that young woman. I was going to post the video here for you to see, but decided not to. Why add to the shame and embarrassment she will feel one day, if not already.
I remembered her dancing with her belly all over the place, she is someone’s daughter, neighbor, friend and maybe, mother, sister or aunt. I thought of my own daughters that must be close to her age and the people laughing and taunting her.
I couldn’t escape the thought, what if that was my daughter?
I became so overwhelmed with emotion as I thought of all these things, but most of all at my own actions, my own laughing and snickering as I watched.
Oh Jesus, please forgive me became my prayer in my car this morning. Tears streaming down my face, the heart ache I was feeling was simply overwhelming.
Over and over I was thinking of my daughters, how I cherish and love them. What I wouldn’t do for them.
It is an honor to be their Mom, a privilege God has given me that I try to walk out in integrity and love, I fall short often I know. I thank God for them, for using them to reach, teach and stretch me in so many ways. Oh how I desire to make a difference in their lives. I am so proud of them, the adults they have become, the way they love and look out for each other, their jokes and sense of humor that is their own language. This is my greatest joy, these beautiful girls God has allowed me to be Mom to. And, just don’t mess with them – I will advocate for them in every way!
As my pastor says – the minute you become a Mom or Dad, your heart moves to the outside of your body.
What if that video was one of them, and I had to watch and hear people making fun of her. What if I was in a room full of people who were watching the video online hearing them laugh at her. I would be wrecked to say the least, heart broken, mad and so very troubled. Fairly certain I’d end up in jail.
As I processed all this I became so angry at myself for doing the same thing! I was yelling through my tears “Why don’t you just pray for that young woman!” Ugh, just a profound moment.
God really moved my heart, He was saying to me…
“She is My daughter”
“Break my heart for what breaks your, Lord” and He did, Oh how He did, over His daughter. His precious daughter that He knit together in her mother’s womb who is fearfully and wonderfully made. It was His daughter that I was laughing at, that He created and loves, that He died for.
Undone, completely undone is the only way to describe what He was doing in my heart.
This is a life changer for me, I am so grateful for His Forgiveness, Grace and Truth deposited into my heart today.
God has used my girls over and over to help me understand His love for me. His love for me and you is so much greater than this treasured love I have for my girls, or you have for yours, or anything you cherish in your life.
A truth I’ll forever be in awe of.
In my sorrow, my snickering has turned into prayer for her. My heart has turned into love for her. Lord please protect her, bring Your people into her life, open her heart to You, send someone that she’ll respond to.
I am praying for God’s grace that instead of joining in, I will stand out and up for those who can’t or won’t. Not laughing or making fun, not pointing fingers; but prayer, for His children.
Will you join me in praying for this young woman?
God knows her name.
He knows yours, too.