Failing in Love

As early as I can remember, I wanted a boyfriend. I grew up on a ‘mini’ farm, a Tom Boy in every way. I Loved my horses more than anything; riding was my passion.

I remember a boy in the 5th grade who I had the biggest crush on. I was thrilled when he sat beside me once on the school bus. My heart beat so hard, my hands sweaty, and I was sure he shared my little crush.

This was my chance, I thought. I slowly placed my hand on his knee—ever so smooth. Yea right! This was the boldest thing I had ever done. I can’t believe I did it—but I was sure he shared my feelings. I mean, he chose to sit beside me!

In my heart, I thought he would grab my hand, and we would be boyfriend and girlfriend. He then looked at me, and I at him, and said…”Are you afraid I will fall off the seat or something?”

M.O.R.T.I.F.I.E.D isn’t even close to how I felt, totally embarrassed. I removed my hand and stared out the window until I could get off that bus.

longest.ride.ever!

From that memory on, relationships have been painful for me.

Moving into junior high, I was always the first on the bus after school.
The bell would ring, and we would all go to our lockers, say our
goodbyes, and get on the bus. As I waited, I watched all the guys
walk the girls to their buses and kiss them goodbye. I remember
stalling after the bell rang so I wouldn’t be the first one on; maybe
then I wouldn’t look like the lonely girl.

I always wondered why I wasn’t good enough to be someone’s girlfriend or why the interested guys were not the ones you would ever pick to date…ever.

I was convinced something was wrong with me.

It was in High School when my parents divorced, and we moved to a new school that I started my first relationship. I was the ‘new’ girl and was making friends. It felt great to have this fresh start.

Over time, this first High School relationship failed. After that, there was a succession of many more failed relationships, if you can even call them that. Looking for love in all the wrong places certainly rang true in my life over and over.

Can you relate to this missing place in your heart that aches to be filled?

• You know it’s there but can’t understand why?
• What’s wrong with me?
• Why do I always think I have to have a boyfriend?
• Will I ever be loved how I feel it should be?
• Is there such a thing as a soul mate, and if so, how will I ever find him?

I understand you; I truly do.

Your story may not involve a bunch of failed relationships but just one. Maybe you’ve never had one, or perhaps you did, and he left you for someone else. Maybe you are in a great marriage, or mediocre, and feel something is missing. Whatever your relationship story is, there is an answer to fill the ache of your heart.

After 16 years of marriage and three beautiful daughters, we divorced. It was painful and ugly, and I am very sorry for the part I played; I am equally grateful for what God taught me.

I was ‘back in the saddle again,’ searching to fill that ache with a relationship. During my marriage, I accepted Christ into my life, learning about Him, and raising our girls in the church. I would learn about God through the papers they would bring home from their Sunday School classes. I was an adult woman learning the stories of God on an elementary level, and it was AMAZING! I was too embarrassed to tell anyone I didn’t know the stories. What a gift He gave me through my girls, and continues today.

It wasn’t until I got to the end of myself, through the demise of my marriage and other relationships, that I started to understand I had issues. I am a slow learner, clearly! Through counseling, I learned I was codependent and an enabler. Two things I didn’t know anything about even though I was a classic example of them.

As a newly single person, I was trying to understand God’s views on dating. What did He say about how He created men and women, marriage and sex? And what about dating after marriage and having children? I clearly was not healthy in this area and didn’t want everyone’s opinion, I just wanted Gods.

“In order for change to occur, the fear of staying the same has to be greater than the fear of change.”

In this quest, Jesus started to become my friend. I would journal my heart to Him, read His word, participate in bible studies, read books, listen to podcasts all about dating, relationships, and men and women.

Jesus was teaching me that He is and was the relationship I had searched for all my life, in every way – not just on Sundays or Wednesdays but in a personal way. He loved and accepted me for who I was, not what I thought I should or needed to be. For the first time in my life, I was becoming a whole person all by myself. I had a beautiful relationship…with Jesus.

I’m not talking about religion.

This relationship has revolutionized my life so much that I can’t stop trying to help women understand it in their own lives.

• Do you think that it is only for ‘religious’ people?
• Do you think you must ‘clean up your act’ before you can get there or wait for a better time?
• Or you’ve made so many mistakes and bad choices that you are sure He is done with you, or you lost your chance.
• Is it for other people, those people who know the bible?

Exactly where I was. He taught me that He desires you right where you are, I had habits and lifestyle choices that were not Godly in any way. And still, there He was wooing me to Himself.

right.where.I.was. period.

And now, here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to start all over again. I’m taking her back out into the wilderness, where we had our first date, and I’ll court her. I’ll give her bouquets of roses. I’ll turn Heartbreak Valley into Acres of Hope. She’ll respond like she did as a young girl  Hosea 2:14

He doesn’t want to control you, have you act like you have it all together, or try hard to get it right. He simply wants to love you right where you are, just the way you are. It’s not based on whether you are fat, skinny, tall, short, rich, poor, religious, intelligent, dumb, educated, tan, beautiful, or anything else.

it.is.just.your.heart.

He is such a gentleman; he won’t force Himself on you. There are no strings in this relationship.

Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends. Revelation 3:20

The relationship you desire is with Jesus, and maybe, like me, you don’t even know it…

Unlike my first crush on the school bus, he not only wants to hold your hand, he wants to hold your heart.  You Are More, you’ve been re-made: Video

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