Failing in Love
I remember a boy named Joey in the 5th grade who I had the biggest crush on. He sat beside me one time on the school bus & I was thrilled. My heart beat so hard, hands so sweaty, I was sure he shared my little crush.
This was my chance I thought, I slowly place my hand on his knee.. ever so smooth. Yea right! This was the boldest thing I had ever done, I can’t even believe I actually did it – but was sure he shared my feelings, I mean he chose to sit beside me!
In my heart I really thought he would grab my hand and we would be boyfriend and girlfriend. He proceeded to look at me and I at him… and said…
“Are you afraid I’m going to fall off the seat or something?”
M.O.R.T.I.F.I.E.D isn’t even close to how I felt, totally embarrassed. I removed my hand and stared out the window until I could get off that bus.
From that memory on, relationships have been painful for me.
Moving into Jr. High I was always the 1st on the bus after school. The bell would ring and we would all go to our lockers, say our good-bye’s and get on the bus. As I would wait I watched all the guys walking the girls to their buses and giving them a kiss good-bye. I remember stalling after the bell rang so I wouldn’t be the first one on, maybe then I wouldn’t look like the lonely-girl.
I always wonder why I wasn’t good enough to be someone’s girlfriend. Or the guys that were interested were not the one’s you would ever pick to date…ever.
I was convinced something was wrong with me
It wasn’t until High School when my parents divorced and we moved to a new school that I started in my first relationship. I was the ‘new’ girl and was making friends. It felt great to have this fresh start.
Over time this first High School relationship failed and after that there was a succession of many more failed relationships, if you can even call them that. Looking for love in all the wrong places certainly rang true in my life, over and over.
I wonder if you too can relate to this missing place in your heart that ache’s to be filled?
- You know it’s there but can’t understand why?
- What’s wrong with me?
- Why do I always think I have to have a boyfriend?
- Will I ever be loved the way I think it’s suppose to be?
- Is there really such a thing as a soul mate and if so how will I ever find him?
I understand you sweet sister, I truly understand.
Or maybe your story isn’t about a bunch of failed relationships, but just 1. Or maybe in your life you’ve never had one, or maybe you did and he left you for someone else. Maybe you are in a great marriage, but still feel something is missing. Whatever your relationship story is, there is an answer to fill the ache of your heart.
After 16 years of marriage and three beautiful daughters, we divorced. It was painful and ugly and I am so very sorry for the part I played, I am equally grateful for what God taught me through it.
I found myself ‘back in the saddle again’, searching to fill that ache with a relationship. During my marriage I did make the decision to accept Christ into my life; I was learning about Him and raising our girls in the church.
I would learn about God through the papers they would bring home from their Sunday School classes. I was an adult woman learning on an elementary level the stories of God and it was AMAZING!
I was too embarrassed to let anyone know I didn’t know these stories. What a gift He gave me through my girls.
It wasn’t until I got to the end of myself; through the demise of my marriage and other relationships that I started to understand I had issues. I am a slow learner, clearly! Through counseling I learned I was codependent and an enabler. Two things I didn’t know anything about even though I was a classic example of them.
As a newly single person I was trying to understand what God’s views were on dating. What did He say about how He created men and women, marriage and sex? And what about dating after marriage and children? I clearly was not healthy in this area and wanted to know the truth, not everyone’s opinion but God’s way, He is Truth.
” In order for change to occur the fear of staying the same has to be greater than the fear of change”
In this quest for truth Jesus started to become my friend. I would journal my heart to Him, read His word, get in bible studies, read books and listen to messages all about dating, relationships, men and women.
Jesus was teaching me that He is and was the relationship I had searched for all my life, in every way – not just on Sunday’s or Wednesdays but in a personal way.
He loved and accepted me for who I was, not what I thought I should or needed to be. For the 1st time in my life I was becoming a whole person all by myself. A beautiful relationship….with Jesus.
I’m not talking about religion.
This relationship has revolutionized my life so much that I can’t stop trying to help women understand it in their own lives.
- Do you think that it is only for ‘religious’ people?
- Do you think you have to ‘clean up your act’ before you can get there or wait for a better time?
- Or maybe you’ve made so many mistakes and bad choices that you are sure He is done with you or you lost your chance?
- It’s for other people, those people who know the bible?
Oh dear sister – please know this is right where I was. He taught me that He desires you right where you are, I had habits and life style choices that were not Godly in any way. And still, there He was wooing me to Himself.
And now, here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to start all over again.I’m taking her back out into the wilderness where we had our first date, and I’ll court her. I’ll give her bouquets of roses. I’ll turn Heartbreak Valley into Acres of Hope. She’ll respond like she did as a young girl Hosea 2:14
He doesn’t want you to control you or have you act like you have it all together, or try so hard to get it right. He simply wants to love you right where you are, just the way you are.
It’s not based on if you are fat, skinny, tall, short, rich, poor, religious, smart, dumb, educated, tan, beautiful or anything else.
Do you feel that tug in your heart? That is Jesus – He desires you to respond to that tug. He is such a gentleman, He won’t force Himself on you. There are no strings in this relationship.
Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends. Revelation 3:20
Won’t you open the door, send a friend request?
The relationship you are desiring is in Jesus and maybe like me you don’t even know it…
Unlike my first crush on the school bus.. He not only wants to hold your hand, He wants to hold your heart.
Please let me know your thoughts below and watch for the next blog about God’s provision!