Parents Coming Out

I have been doing hard internal work to understand where I am with the LGBTQ+ community. Sharing my struggle is difficult because I fear the opinions of others, especially those I look up to. However, this has become very personal to me, so I battle my fear with the reality of the undeniable grief that parents experience. Through my own pain, I want to offer hope. In the church world of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell,’ parents suffer and agonize in silence.

Love the Sinner, Hate The Sin doesn’t work.

My heart swells for my close LGBTQ+ friends and, most importantly, my daughter (who permits me to share). Their stories wreck my heart of the rejection they’ve had to navigate, especially from Christians.

If the treatment they receive from the Christian community isn’t enough, parents are targeted, too. When children come out of the closet, parents go in.

As soon as LGBTQ+ is mentioned – we put people in a box, a category, a place of no return. They become one of “those” people. So, I naturally have a filter that triggers my thoughts to “it’ll be done to me, too.”

I know because I did it. 

And it already has, but I’m okay with that. Jesus was targeted, too.

Have you ever noticed the thing you judge is what God will use in a very personal way to humble and take you to a deeper place with Him if you let him? He chisels away those hard, prickly, and not-so-pliable places. It is painful.

Maybe it’s just me.

I’ve been faced with this over many issues in my life. Probably the most profound was my judgment on divorced, single Moms who date so much, then…I became one.

This fear of what others think, especially those I respect, has paralyzed me long enough.

Jim and I are in a support group for Christian parents of LGBTQ+ kids worldwide through this ministry called Embracing the Journey. I was shocked to hear the stories and heartbroken for all the other parents who can’t navigate this confusing and fearful place with their Christian community.

Typically, the very friends we’ve raised children with who attended church and everything in between are not safe to discuss this challenging topic. The people they need most abandon them.

It absolutely wrecks me.

If you or someone you know needs a safe place, please reach out; you can trust complete confidentiality.

You are not alone.

Look, behind the lights!

One of many nights this season, I sat in front of our Christmas tree looking at the lights, the ornaments my kids made when they were so little, the memories of Christmas’ gone by, and thinking of the heavy weight, stress, and almost anger I was experiencing this year.

The Rings 2016

I have always enjoyed Christmas, but this year it was a struggle.

Maybe, because this is the first one without any of my girls living at home.

Empty nester?
Um, no – I can’t be that, old?

Maybe, it’s the grief we are all going through this year, especially my
son-in-law and bonus daughter with the loss of their son last Christmas.

Maybe, it’s because I procrastinate, and then stress out with the expectations I put on myself.

Maybe it’s those Christmas cards! I stopped sending them a few years ago, I felt I couldn’t keep up. When my sister-in-law in California asked for my new address I felt compelled to tell her that if she was sending a card, I  had stopped. So, basically, don’t bother.  She reminded me, she doesn’t give to get; when did I pick up guilt over Christmas cards? I’m so grateful for the exchange we had, it really turned my heart around.

Or, maybe, because Jim and I watched, and made DVD copies, of ALL the VHS tapes we own of our girls growing up. Watching them brought not only joy, but sadness, tears, and laughs, missing those days when they were little, days that seem like yesterday.

How did they slip away so fast?

As I was contemplating all of this and gazing at the tree, I remembered a special ornament, a tradition for decades. It must have been a gift, I really don’t remember. It’s a tradition I look forward to each year. It is the very first ‘ornament’ hung, inside, near the trunk. I forgot it was there.

Once the tree is decorated, with all this shimmering glitter, shining lights, sparkling ornaments, and brilliant ribbons, this special ornament sits tucked inside, behind all the charisma.

Nothing sparkling or shiny lit up or painted. No bells or whistles.
Simply a long heavy, nail, with a red ribbon.

You won’t see it unless you look for it.

All these beautifully placed, shiny, inviting distractions are on the outside. While just a branch in, my Savior, Prince of Peace, Almighty God, Father, and Friend, just waiting for me to remember Him.

Look past all the distractions; dig a bit to find the peace and comfort your soul craves. Debbie, look past the expectations, the grief, the loss, the stress, the cards, the procrastination, and the anger.

As Craig Groschel of Life Church put it, in his profound message, Chanage of Plans.

Jesus, the Gift, He came for you, for me. YOU are the reason for the season.

Isn’t that the truth for us during Christmas and daily living? Jesus is constantly calling us to be still and listen, recognize the distractions, be with Him, get off the grid, put down the screen, look a little deeper, and look past the bling, the things that so easily distract.

Do I stop? No, I do more and more and more…

Endless activity and stress that leave my soul craving.

Jim drove me to see a decorated house he thought I’d like; oh my goodness, my husband knows me!

This house, this scene, powerful. If you can’t tell, there is a wrapped gift in that manger.

This was a breath of fresh air, a seal on my heart this Christmas. We pulled in so I could get a picture with a silent thank you to the family and a Facebook post

Simple, clean, quiet, uncomplicated truth.

Thank you Jesus that you didn’t come for popularity or fame, wealth or possessions, the perfect gifts or cards, to be entertained, or excessive busyness.

Thank you for coming for me.

“analyze IT, control IT, make IT happen, DO something!”

 

This is my nature, my ‘m-o’ when there is this futuristic abyss. There isn’t any concrete answer  for what’s  going to happen, basically I have no control.   I don’t know what your ‘IT’ is,   mine is what I’m going to do for income, mourning the loss of a dear friend & not being able to control my adult children, imagine that!    I find my fears and what-if’s overcome me when I allow my mind to wander into the abyss.

As I wrestle with all of this and not being able to see or figure ‘IT’ out, I pray that the Lord will help me to stay in that peace that surpasses all understanding.   Journaling brings that peace, this is what He reminded me of today.

In my study of John 11 we just discussed the death of Lazarus and how his sisters,  Mary and Martha responded.   The story talks about them sending a message to Jesus that their brother was sick and to come.

Jesus waits 2 days and when he does arrive Lazarus has been dead for 4 days.  They both say to Jesus “If you would have come sooner, he wouldn’t of died”

Jesus  tells them more than once that if they would believe they would see the Glory of God and their brother would rise again.  His words to Martha were  “Did I not say to you that if you would believe you would see the Glory of God?”

I can just hear Him saying “Debbie, did I not say to you…  do not fear, be still and do not worry? ”  Over and over and over He has shown this to me in my life; steadfast love, provision physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually.

I still find myself over analyzing, trying to figure ‘IT’ all out, wanting to DO SOMETHING to fix, manipulate or control ‘IT’.

I find great peace knowing that Mary and Martha who walked and talked with Jesus did the same kind of thing.  Jesus’ timing is not Mary’s, Martha’s or mine.  I want to say, Lord if you would  just do this or that I wouldn’t be in this situation…

Standing in front of Lazarus’ tomb…

Jesus prays “Father I thank You that You always hear Me, but because of the people (Debbie) who are standing by I said this, that they may believe that You sent Me”.  In a loud voice He cried “Lazarus, come out!”  And he came out, grave-clothes and all!  What a sight, what encouragement!  Can you imagine Mary and Martha?   Jesus’ timing is perfect…always.

Part of today’s  devotional by Sarah Young, Jesus Calling.

“…The problem (IT) can be a ladder enabling you to climb up and see your life from My perspective.  Viewed from above the obstacle that frustrated you is only a light and momentary trouble.  Once your perspective has been heightened you can look away from the problem altogether.” 2 Cor 4:16-18

I’m thanking God today that He has changed my perspective, encouraged me that I am no different than Mary and Martha who walked with Jesus.  I pray that you too are encouraged with whatever your ‘IT’ is.

He is telling you as well; do not fear, do not be confused or worry for I am with you always.

I want to see the Glory of God in all my situations, my hearts cry is to believe!   Thank you Jesus!!

What is your ‘IT’  that you need to let go of,  or get a different perspective on?  How can I pray for you?