I journal a lot, it is how my relationship with Christ has grown. Writing for me is therapy, finding Christ in the midst of my emotions, my quiet time.
(side note, this is not the follow-up blog to “Failing in Love”)
My journal entry yesterday started off with “Lord, I’ve really blown it” I was so frustrated with myself. I felt I was in the middle of something that I had to get off my chest, I just let it all fly out of my mouth.
Just the DAY before, I heard Pastor Brenda’s amazing message at Cafe’ Chat about how a soft answer turns away wrath.
Oh yes…true.story. Epic fail.
I could feel this terrible bubbling up frustration inside of me, this anger just overcoming my thoughts.
It is SO easy for me to blame, to say this or that person is the cause of the anger and/or frustration inside of me. Maybe it is for you too.
And maybe like me, you don’t recognize it at first?
“If so and so would do this or that, if I had a better job, if I got the raise I deserve, if he would just ____________, if she wouldn’t have _____________, if my _______________ ” If, If IF, IF!!!
Fill in your blank.
We all have them, something out there that if it would just line up everything would finally just be OK already! Sheesh!
I knew I needed to spend time with Jesus, I needed to hear His voice to help me understand what in the world this was.
As I journaled I asked Him to please show me where I was off, what was going on inside of me that was causing all the anger.
I desired the truth, the root of the bitterness – in me. Not in the situation, but in me.
On my journal page I wrote “EXPECTATION is coming to my mind right now”
I also wrote about how the night before as I was thinking of when Jim and I were getting so serious in our dating relationship, I was so scared. Isaiah 41:10 is the word the Lord used to help me over that fear. If you look this up I urge you to also look up the definition of dismayed,, it changed everything for me!
I turn to my devotional after pouring my heart out to the Lord.. Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. I can’t even describe to you how Jesus has used this little book to speak to my heart.
It starts off “HOLD MY HAND – AND TRUST” As I finished reading it I went to the scripture references, want to guess the first one?
I about fell off my chair, tears streaming down my face as Jesus quietly spoke to my heart …..
“I am here, don’t be afraid”
I then look up the other scripture reference with anticipation setting in…
undone is the only word that I can think of to describe my heart as I read..
If you can’t read my oh so neat writing, it says..
My soul waits silently for God alone, for my EXPECTATION is from Him. He ONLY is my rock and my Salvation, HE IS my defense, I SHALL NOT BE MOVED.
tears, stunned, awed, overwhelmed with wonder and gratitude.
He is such a loving personal God, He knows your detail and wants to talk to you! I knew immediately where the frustration and anger were coming from.
He showed me, I felt it, I heard Him, I know.
I let an attitude of expectation in people drive my emotions….Instead of Jesus.
After I got myself together, praising and thanking Him for such a quick answer, I went on an expedition of the word expectation.
There are many in the dictionary, my favorite is: An expectant mental attitude; a high pitch of expectation. I had a mental attitude all right.
As you look at these you will see there isn’t any mention of putting hope in the expectations of people or situations, only in Christ.
So what does this mean? Does my expectation in Christ mean that I expect Him to answer all my prayers and make people just do what I expect?
Oh goodness, that just sounds terrible. Really, I’m not that bad… am I? Ugh.
This has been a hard week, seeing yourself in light of Scripture isn’t easy. Following Christ isn’t for the faint at heart.
____________, (insert your name)
Do not be afraid, loose courage or dread what is coming, be silent in Me and Me alone, your Expectation and Hope. (Isaiah 41:10 & Psalm 62:5)
What do you put your expectation in? Your marriage, children, job or future?
When I had finished this precious time with Jesus, my heart was in a new place, a deep understanding. I’m learning that if I put my expectations in anything but Christ, I will be frustrated, disappointed, hurt, angry and bitter.
I’m choosing to trust that He knows all of what is to come and He will give me the truth and grace to face tomorrow without putting my hope and expectation in or on people.
How about you?